Looking Forward

" 'I said to the man who stood at the Gate of the Year,
'Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.'
And he replied, 'Go out into the darkness, and put your hand into the Hand of God.
That shall be to you better than light, and safer than a known way.' "

George VI, 1939 Christmas Broadcast

winding.

hazy.

unpredictable.

unknown.

Looking Back

Bittersweet.

Ripping, rejoined.

Longing, satisfied.

Lacking, completed.

Tears and smiles

Fears and miles.

Joy and sorrow.

Paused.

The Thing about Grace...

I have a child who I often describe as being "fair, as it pertains to him". Unfortunately, I think My Heavenly Father could describe me this way sometimes too.

While we were away for three years, we rented our home to a woman and her three kids. Coming back to see the horrible condition of our house has been agonizing. Daily I seem to discover new ways that she destroyed things in our home....and daily I find myself muttering angry things about her as I execute another repair. I justify it because it is a "righteous anger"!!!

The other day the I felt God stirring in my heart...asking the questions that I didn't want to hear...highlighting fault I would rather not see. After downing a full glass of ice cold humility, I began to see who I really am..."deeply flawed, ungrateful and tenaciously fair (as it pertains to me)". And then the familiar phrase..."my grace is sufficient for you"... and for her too. He was entitled to righteous anger at my rebellion, the ways I willingly destroy the life He intends for me. Yet, He offered me costly grace instead. And the thing about grace...is that once you have been measured by it, you surrender your right to judge others with the ruler of justice.

"The Suck Zone"

I've watched the movie "Twister" about 20 times since it was released. I always laugh as one colorful character is describing tornadoes to a newbie, giving the details of entering "the suck zone". Since moving back to the States, I feel I can relate.

When I pull into the walmart parking lot I feel the wind of materialism begining to blow. As I walk past the greeter, an all out storm ensuses. I feel the sting of "everyday low prices" pelting me from everyside, emploring me to buy more than I came for....more than I need. I take a deep breath and press on clenching my list in my hand. Around asile three I hesitate...feeling battered by the downpour of commercialism...I start to wonder if I really DO need to recorate the bathroom...my towels really are out dated. I fight back the urge to "buy now and pay later". I set my chin and grip the cart. I press hard against each powerful "gim-me" gust. I labor on knowing that "the suck zone" is upon me. The intensity is almost too strong so I turn my head as I pass the small kitchen appliances far nicer and newer than mine. "Hang on, just a little bit more," I tell myself. "Stick to the list. Buy light bulbs and toilet paper." I'm griping the cart with white nuckles, pressing toward the checkout counter. The storm is almost over I can feel it changing directions. The cashier asks me, "Did you find everything you needed today?" Relief. "Yes...everything I needed." I murmur. A strange calm as I walk out with my one little bag in hand. And I am once again a survivor of "the suck zone".

Trophies of Motherhood

Being a mom is the "best, hardest, most fufilling, depleting, longest, but goes-by-in-a-blink" job in the world. With other careers or endevors there are ladders climbed, corporate advancements, accolades, and acheivement awards. In the last 8 years the only ladders I have climbed have been at the playground and I consider it an advancement that I haven't bought diapers for a year! The awards...well, they come in random ways and not at all when you expect. This week I noted a couple of those awards:

A suspicious grin...a uncontainable boyish giggle...a request... "Mom, I have a surprise for you in my pocket." Out jumps a toad!! Uproarious laughter... a feigned response of shock and horor...more laughter! Twinkling eyes...glowing with glee. "I got-cha that time mommy!"

Quite in the basement...still quite...w-a-y too quite in the basement. Down the stairs...thump...thump..thump... Smiling daughter. "Hi, Mommy! Guess what I've been doing?" "Ummm...I really have no idea, honey." mild trepidation....open the door...five year old pride..."Look what I did!"...relief....confusion... little blonde girl, big grin...wanting to please... "I cleaned your room for you Mommy! It sure was messy!"

Little boy...sunny bed-head...the morning groogies...wiggle into my bed. "Dood morning, mommy! I wuv you."

Can't hang them on the wall or place them on the mantle, but I've got a room full of treasures. Gleaming, shining like jewels on the dark days... priceless trophies of motherhood.

Homeless

A few days ago little Jacob sat at the counter in my parents kitchen and inquisitivley asked my dad..."Papa, why do you live here?" My dad replied, "...because this is my home." To which Jacob pondered, "Then where MY home?"

Good question Jacob. I wish I had an answer to that one. Meanwhile we bounce from one place to the next....9 States, 12 Beds,.... 100's of questions that still seem unanswerable. The future still seems blury and I can't seem to get it to come into focus. For now I will just keep listening to His "still, quiet voice"....one step at a time toward the Sheperd, trusting that what I cannot see He sees clearly.

Doors & Windows

I have heard it said that "when God closes a door, He opens a window". In my experience, when God closes a door... you hang out in the "waiting room" until He thinks you're READY to see what is behind door number two.

I think I'm gonna find the coziest chair in the waiting room, grab a magazine, and wait to hear the door creak open.

Come for Coffee

• Starbucks Filter 6:30am ...while contemplating the depths and height of The Father's love for me, and how He longs to call each person on this earth "child...forgiven...accepted."



• Bosnian Coffee 10:00am...while joined with my husband, a Brazilian, and a Ukranian planning a camp to share truth and encourage the people here.



• Espresso with Cream 12:30pm...while comforting a Bosnian friend who confided that her husband recently hit her and doesn't know if she will stay in the marriage.



• Bosnian Coffee 9:20pm...while hosting a surprise group of 5 neighbors who stopped by, discussing the differences between Catholisism and Evangelical Christianity.

No matter where I am or what I am doing, how I long ...to be steeped in His Holiness...stirred by His Spirit...and to pour out His love to the thirsty.