Looking Back

Bittersweet.

Ripping, rejoined.

Longing, satisfied.

Lacking, completed.

Tears and smiles

Fears and miles.

Joy and sorrow.

Paused.

Little Man's Point of View

I was getting the kids ready for Christmas Eve services tonight. Everyone was bathed and putting on the nice clothes I laid out. I put a wool sweater vest and shirt on my little 4 year old and combed his hair nicely. Only moments later I saw that his hair was a mess and the vest was gone. When I asked him about it he simple said, "I don't wanna wear that 'hair-suit'!" How could I argue with that...we left the wool vest behind.

Thought of the day...

Sometimes I'm on top of it,
but most of the time IT is on top of me.

Fit to Be Tied

I'm not sure why it bothered me so much, but I past by them every time I entered the convention center. It was a bargin..a steal at only $5; but it made me cringe as I stepped through the doors.

The sign read "Witnessing Ties", with sayings like; "Thou shalt not murder"..."Army of God"..."One Nation Under God"... and a host of pictures; praying hands, crosses, and even a pastor's bookshelf. Since when are ties for witnessing? Where do most peope wear ties? That's right, church. And are these really the messages of the Gospel?

THere are better uses for your 5 bucks. Why not bring the homeless guy a sandwich and look him in the eyes when you give it to him? Or buy your struggling coworker a coffee and ask if she's doing okay? Maybe send a sincere card for the family who is dealing with grief?

It's in our service to others and our sincere words that the message comes to life. I guess I'll pass on the ties.

Funny Kids

Some recent funny quotes from my kids:

I gave my 4 year old some tic-tac's on the way to pick up his sister at school. When she got in the car he informed her, "I got some tic-tac-toes and you didn't get any!".

On the ride home she told me all about the "pil-a-grims" and religious "purse and cute shun". Then she ask me, "What is that anyway?"

My big 7 year old informed me recently that he's just about as smart as I am....and that He almost knows everything. Hang on to that as long as you can buddy! Pretty soon you'll be feeling like the rest of us.

They make me laugh; they make me cry;

They fill me up and completely drain me.

The paradox of parenting...

My Little Clown

He turned 4 a couple weeks ago, unbelievable! He surprises me with his profound words. Here are a few recent ones:
- "I wish I was a man before I was a kid."
- "God is a big boy. He made the whole wide world."
- "Mommy, you're pretty like a crystal."
True to costume, he makes me smile and laugh. And, I'm still uncovering the unique layers of my little clown.

The Tale of a Turkey

The last few months have been a little lean, the longest we've ever gone without a pay check. God and I have been talking about this regularly and He has some creative ways of providing...

I was excited to hear how much company was coming... three weekends in a row! And then it occured to me, "How am I going to feed all these people?" (Sound familliar?)

Later that day I saw a sale advertised at local grocery store for $8 turkeys!! I'm no expert, but it seemed like a pretty good deal. I went to the store right away... on a mision to the meat dept. When I ask the worker where the $8 turkeys were, HE actually laughed at me. Then He replied, "That's just something we advertise to get people in here. The few that we had were gone in under an hour!" I was so disappointed.

What now God? I only walked a few steps more for my answer. Another meat dept. employee asked me if I was finding everything okay. I replied matter-of-factly, "Yeah, everything but the $8 turkeys." To my surprise the man said, "Just wait here." A moment later he came back with a turkey... not just any turkey...we are talking totally huge-fill up half my cart-monster bird!!!!!!!

I made roasted turkey, turkey sandwiches, turkey hot dish, turkey noodle soup, .... and all for 8$!!! The masses were fed and I still have some left in the freezer. It was like the loaves and fishes story told in a modern day Tale of a Turkey.

Our Fall Garden

We planted everything September 1st. This week we have been harvesting leaf lettuce, spinach, and arrugala. Next month we hope to have fresh snow peas, green onions, carrots, and some yummy herbs. We'll have to wait until early summer for the strawberries. This is a fun project that both Jason and I really love. If you live nearby, drop in for a salad! :)

The Thing about Grace...

I have a child who I often describe as being "fair, as it pertains to him". Unfortunately, I think My Heavenly Father could describe me this way sometimes too.

While we were away for three years, we rented our home to a woman and her three kids. Coming back to see the horrible condition of our house has been agonizing. Daily I seem to discover new ways that she destroyed things in our home....and daily I find myself muttering angry things about her as I execute another repair. I justify it because it is a "righteous anger"!!!

The other day the I felt God stirring in my heart...asking the questions that I didn't want to hear...highlighting fault I would rather not see. After downing a full glass of ice cold humility, I began to see who I really am..."deeply flawed, ungrateful and tenaciously fair (as it pertains to me)". And then the familiar phrase..."my grace is sufficient for you"... and for her too. He was entitled to righteous anger at my rebellion, the ways I willingly destroy the life He intends for me. Yet, He offered me costly grace instead. And the thing about grace...is that once you have been measured by it, you surrender your right to judge others with the ruler of justice.

First Day of School

..."the Three" in front of our house. They were ready with back packs on an HOUR before we needed to leave. The littlest still wasn't sure why he wasn't going to school.
The Big guy wanted to show everyone his new shoes that light up. Thanks Nana and Papa.
Pink and Poka-dots are a perfect way to start Kindergarten. Meanwhile, a mom feels so many different things on this literal first day of school ever...excitement, nervousness, a little sadness, but most of all the unfamiliarity of that first step in a long journey of letting go. Start growing those wings my sweet children.

With Gratitude...

I thought it appropriate, on the eve of my 34th birthday, to list some of the things for which I am grateful. Here goes:

- colorado blue skies and sunshine

- fun family night

- "the three", my love for them, and their love for me

- spacious counter tops and closets

- a loving hard-working husband , although he is far away

- dear friends in many time zones

- dishwasher, dryer, and wall-to-wall carpeting

- being near to family who I have missed so much

- house plants and herb gardens

- the Father's unconditional love

- memories

- health and energy

- spontaneous coffee drinking

- freedom and life with out war and fear

- redemption from slavery

- people who understand

- ice cubes and fans

- public parks and the library

- garage sales and clearance racks

- untexpected kindnesses

- peace amidst uncertainty

- birthday bouquet from mama's rose garden

Ahhh. It is good to be 34.

3 Little Monkeys

Since the kids were climing up the walls at our house anyway, I took them to "Rope World" set up in a school gymnasium. They had all kinds of climbing things set up...with lots of padding on the floors. Yes, that is the oldest monkey at the very top of the gym ceiling. He climbed to ring the bell several times and did the zip line UPSIDE DOWN.
The littlest monkey liked the rope swing and the zip line. He also just generally enjoyed roaming around and climbing what ever he wanted.
The middle monkey showed off her balance on the rope bridge. I was surprised that she showed no fear of any activity; she tried them all! The moral of this story is when you are raising three monkeys, it is best to get them to the jungle as often as possible. :)

Slani Pita

Jucer sam napravilla zeljanica domaci i slusala sam Bosanski musika. Onda sam plakala... Uglavnom sam sretna, ali stvarno fali mi nesto. Nedostaje mi Bosni i drustvo moje. Svarno znam da ovo korak je Bozi plan. Vjerujem ga. Bi ce sve uredu. Polako.

"The Suck Zone"

I've watched the movie "Twister" about 20 times since it was released. I always laugh as one colorful character is describing tornadoes to a newbie, giving the details of entering "the suck zone". Since moving back to the States, I feel I can relate.

When I pull into the walmart parking lot I feel the wind of materialism begining to blow. As I walk past the greeter, an all out storm ensuses. I feel the sting of "everyday low prices" pelting me from everyside, emploring me to buy more than I came for....more than I need. I take a deep breath and press on clenching my list in my hand. Around asile three I hesitate...feeling battered by the downpour of commercialism...I start to wonder if I really DO need to recorate the bathroom...my towels really are out dated. I fight back the urge to "buy now and pay later". I set my chin and grip the cart. I press hard against each powerful "gim-me" gust. I labor on knowing that "the suck zone" is upon me. The intensity is almost too strong so I turn my head as I pass the small kitchen appliances far nicer and newer than mine. "Hang on, just a little bit more," I tell myself. "Stick to the list. Buy light bulbs and toilet paper." I'm griping the cart with white nuckles, pressing toward the checkout counter. The storm is almost over I can feel it changing directions. The cashier asks me, "Did you find everything you needed today?" Relief. "Yes...everything I needed." I murmur. A strange calm as I walk out with my one little bag in hand. And I am once again a survivor of "the suck zone".

Multiple faces of "The Three"

"The three" at Tiff and Slado's wedding....they had a blast. They were so excited to be dressed up and with so many of our dear ones from Bosnia. Rachel kept asking when they were gonna kiss. Jacob slept thru the whole ceremony...and only awakened for CAKE! Brent told several strangers how much money he had and exactly how he earned it.
A normal sight for the last two and a half months.... "the three" in the back of a tiny SUV traveling...traveling...and traveling. I told them one day that we would be going 7 hours and they replied..."that's ALL!" :)
At the Tiger safari (Okalahoma City) with Mommy and "Uncle" Donovan...it was a great day. Lots of "danger", like feeding the tigers and touching many animals. "The three" thought the baby kangaroo was the best.

Useless Skills

Adjusting back to the States after having lived in a much different culture for the last three years is a bit weird. I spent so much time trying to aquire another culture/language and now I feel like those skills are completely useless! Here are a few silly examples...
-I can sucessfully use, and give advice on using, a Turkish toilet ("squaty potty").
-I can talk the produce market workers down to a reasonable price when buying tomatoes by insulting his products.
-I can navigate all forms of public transportation in another language and spot possible theives.
-I can drink strong Bosnian coffee several times a day and still fall asleep with ease.
-I can chop wood and cook a three course meal on a little wood stove.
-I can make my own pancake syrup.
-I can drive and park a van on roads smaller than an alley with ease.
-I have developed a taste for roasted goat and sheep cheese and meat paste.
What is a girl to do with these useless skills!?

Trophies of Motherhood

Being a mom is the "best, hardest, most fufilling, depleting, longest, but goes-by-in-a-blink" job in the world. With other careers or endevors there are ladders climbed, corporate advancements, accolades, and acheivement awards. In the last 8 years the only ladders I have climbed have been at the playground and I consider it an advancement that I haven't bought diapers for a year! The awards...well, they come in random ways and not at all when you expect. This week I noted a couple of those awards:

A suspicious grin...a uncontainable boyish giggle...a request... "Mom, I have a surprise for you in my pocket." Out jumps a toad!! Uproarious laughter... a feigned response of shock and horor...more laughter! Twinkling eyes...glowing with glee. "I got-cha that time mommy!"

Quite in the basement...still quite...w-a-y too quite in the basement. Down the stairs...thump...thump..thump... Smiling daughter. "Hi, Mommy! Guess what I've been doing?" "Ummm...I really have no idea, honey." mild trepidation....open the door...five year old pride..."Look what I did!"...relief....confusion... little blonde girl, big grin...wanting to please... "I cleaned your room for you Mommy! It sure was messy!"

Little boy...sunny bed-head...the morning groogies...wiggle into my bed. "Dood morning, mommy! I wuv you."

Can't hang them on the wall or place them on the mantle, but I've got a room full of treasures. Gleaming, shining like jewels on the dark days... priceless trophies of motherhood.

Culture Collsion

It happends all the time... You live in another culture long enough that you momentarily forget what is normal in your own culture.

I was flying last week and was seated next to a young mom and her 15 month old baby. She was nervous because the baby was really fussy. When the child began to wail I really wanted to help. That is when it happened...I thought to my self, "I know! I have a chocolate bar in my purse!" Yes... I really contemplated giving chocolate to an 15 month old who I don't even know!!! Just how many American cultural rules does this break?!! Then I started laughing at how horrified I had been for at least a year in Bosnia as strangers offered my children candy....even my littlest...who was barely one year old. I'm still chuckling about this culture collision.

In America a "good" mom protects her child from any possible or theoretical danger... including not permitting chocolate at very young ages.
In Bosnia a "good" mom does nearly anything to keep a child happy...including permitting chocolate at very young ages.

And the search continues... how to be a "good" mom...

Homeless

A few days ago little Jacob sat at the counter in my parents kitchen and inquisitivley asked my dad..."Papa, why do you live here?" My dad replied, "...because this is my home." To which Jacob pondered, "Then where MY home?"

Good question Jacob. I wish I had an answer to that one. Meanwhile we bounce from one place to the next....9 States, 12 Beds,.... 100's of questions that still seem unanswerable. The future still seems blury and I can't seem to get it to come into focus. For now I will just keep listening to His "still, quiet voice"....one step at a time toward the Sheperd, trusting that what I cannot see He sees clearly.

Girl's Sleep Over

What a blast! Nail polish, rice krispie treats, pizza, movies, balloons, tickles & giggles.... Rachel was so thrilled that her local "aunties" included her in girl's night. She even stayed up 'till midnight!

Doors & Windows

I have heard it said that "when God closes a door, He opens a window". In my experience, when God closes a door... you hang out in the "waiting room" until He thinks you're READY to see what is behind door number two.

I think I'm gonna find the coziest chair in the waiting room, grab a magazine, and wait to hear the door creak open.

Moja Bosna!!

You know you are in Bosnia when....

...you go wedding dress shopping with your friend and the women working there are filling the little shop and all the dresses with their chain smoking!

...the police man pulls you over, looks at your passport, and asks if both of the women are yours. When he finds out only one is, he asks if the other is available.

...the cashier runs out of change so she gives you a gum ball for the difference.

...you see someone at the store ripping a battery out of the package right in front of an employee, only to realize that this is a normal practice. (What is strange is to buy the whole package here!)

...when the medical emergency team runs out of the clinic for a call, but must all smoke a cigarette before loading into the ambulance.

Days in Dubrovnik

Ahh!! The Adriatic Sea.... How I love it!


Many like to feed the pigeons...our kids like to chase them!

We enjoyed a picnic with Genai on the rocks bellow the great wall. The view of the Adriatic made me feel small. God amazes me.It was a nice time to reconnect with my dear friend Tracee and to say good bye to my newer friend, Genai who was headed back to California. We enjoyed good pizza and even better laughs.

Soaking in the Sun

Some shots of the kids enjoying rare February sunny day... We had a lovely afternoon with our good buddies in Sarajevo. These days are gems.

Hangin' Out

I walked through the hallway and had to laugh. It didn't even seem abnormal to have our laundry drying all around the woodstove. :) Guess I've been here too long.

Less Is More

Look at our big seven year old who lost his two front teeth this week!

Advertsing for DummYs

I really saw this sign yesterday in Sarajevo:

BM quick fast food

Although fast food has been know to give many a quick BM, I didn't realize it was something to advertise.

What?

Oh little Jacob...Our littlest has had a difficult time learning how to say some things. Rachel and Brent often serve as translators to the rest of the world to articulate exactly what he is saying. Recently, he is speaking more and more clearly....which is not necessarily always good. This week he ask a visitor. "Han I 'sh-it' in your lap?" I had to laugh at the surprising clarity of his apparent request.

Milestones and Memories

In the last couple months I've been busy living life, too busy to write about it. Some recent milestones include:

• Brent's "Spider-man" seven birthday, complete with a web cake, a first pin-yata, and a sleep over!



• Jacob can count to 10, and learned his colors & shapes!



• Rachel is my little helper and loves to help me cook (especially sweet things).



• A few family days in Austria complete with: getting lost, breaking down, 10 hours to repair van, spending the night in the van...but worth it all!



• Brent lost his front tooth :) last week.



• Rachel has been dancing around the house in her new leotard and slippers with her "Angelina Balerina".



• Jacob is facinated with his geo-train. He loves to set it up and drive for hours!



• Brent went skiing for the first time with his daddy and our Brazilian team-mates!

These are my riches, my delight.